I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
