nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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