fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
