My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
