beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
