she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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