Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
