He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
