I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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