...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
