I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
