i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
