so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
