It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
