dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
sarcasm needs its own font
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
