just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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