some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
