Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
