I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
