Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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