do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
