I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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