Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Michael Bay diarrhea
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
