i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
