i don't like sucking hair
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
