Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
