I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
