if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
