Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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