You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize