I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
