Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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