one word: firstdatebathroomanal
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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