Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
