you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
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they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
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Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?