I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.