I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out