she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
