I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
