Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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