Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sorry about my life...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
