Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
