even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i will never coherently bang her
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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