All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
