Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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