We named our party play list daddy issues
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
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Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
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Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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