the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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