This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
