Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
