i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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