I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
