cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
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Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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