you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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