I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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