I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
