I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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