is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
