hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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